Okay. I am probably going to regret this. Eh, then I'll pull the post. It's my blog, right?
First a quote from Kateri:
Someone (can't remember who, sorry) once distinguished the difference between a forum and a blog in a very clear way. A forum is a public place: like an ongoing conversation in a park. All viewpoints can be expressed respectfully. Some manner of decorum must be followed if the public place is going to be a welcoming one. No one has a proprietary right.
On the other hand, a blog is someone's front porch. Clearly, the space belongs to somone, and that someone has a right to say whatever they choose. If you don't feel comfortable there, you can go home to your own front porch and invite discussion there.
Please keep this in mind.
There seems to be a *ahem* discussion about whether or not the feelings of grieving birthmothers are valid. If said birthmothers are content with their decisions, then they are "acceptable". If not? Look out.
Here's the thing: YOU CAN'T TELL PEOPLE HOW TO FEEL.
I've read entries from Kateri, Enough Already, Manuela, and several others. I'm not going to try to point out who's "right" and who's "wrong" because you know what? According to the definition above, that's their porch. This is my porch.
So. Here's what I believe.
I believe that infant adoption today is in serious need of reform. I believe that both overt and covert methods of coersion are going on ALL. THE. TIME. I believe that to a young girl who's feeling vulnerable, who's afraid of losing the support of her parents (who, after all, are SUPPOSED to love her unconditionally, but the fact that they both started to cry and tell her how disappointed they were in her when she told them she was pregnant pretty much indicates that that may not be true), a lawyer or agency who knows exactly what to say must seem like the best friend in the world. I believe that said lawyers/agencies/facilitators/counselors go out of their way to make her feel special, like she is in control of a great gift. Simultaneously they and her parents are taking away her control so she's being unempowered and TOLD she's empowered at the same time. Choose the family! Choose the amount of contact! It's all YOUR CHOICE EXCEPT WE'RE ONLY TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION AND LA LA LA DON'T THINK ABOUT KEEPING THE BABY WE CAN'T HEEEEEEEAAAAR YOU.
I believe that lawyers/agencies/facilitators/counselors have the right to make money for their skills and talents.
Here's what it gets tricky. See, they're engaged in a business, but their business involves human beings who are in the most desperate time of their lives.
I believe that open adoption agreements should be legally enforceable. I believe that there should be pre- and post-birth agreements. They should go like this: The pre-birth agreement says that the expectant mother (and please note -- they are not birthmothers at that point, they are expectant mothers, just like any other pregnant woman) is considering placing her child for adoption and that if she chooses to follow through with that plan, the minimum acceptable amount of openness agreed to by both parties is ____________.
Women who have never given birth cannot possibly be aware of the feelings that come up immediately after labor and delivery. Nobody can know how much they will or will not want to see their child until the child is in their arms -- a tangible being, instead of a theoretical concept. After some healing time, if the new mother decides to place her child for adoption, the open adoption agreement is revisited. I believe some space should be left for growth, but that there should still be minimums.
I believe that adoptive parents need more pre-adoption counselling. In addition to resolving their infertility issues (as best as possible -- the resolution is an ongoing process), they need to be told, VERY clearly: There will always be another set of parents. There is no such thing as "as if born to". You must be clear on that. You can be Mom and Dad. You can be Mother and Father. But there was another Mother and Father first and to try to pretend that is not the case? Well, that way lies madness.
Once you accept those things as FACT, once you truly integrate them into your soul, you can not only become a more effective adoptive parent, you can gain a whole lot of peace.
I can never, ever replace H (Sweet Pea's birthmom) in Sweet Pea's life. No matter how much I love every curly hair on my child's head, I cannot claim that she came from me.
By the same token, H cannot replace me in Sweet Pea's life. I am the Mommy. I'm the one she runs to when she wakes up afraid, I am the one who puts in the hairbows and serves the juice and cleans the booboos.
I believe that many people live their lives from a place of fear. Instead of loving and parenting their child, then trusting the child to continue to love them no matter who else is in their lives, they circle the wagons. The subtle message "We are the ONLY parents and you can ONLY love us" is delivered over and over and over. Remember that old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was". It is incredibly frightening to parent this way, and incredibly freeing at the same time.
I believe that the more birthmothers and adoptees speak out (whether in blogs, newspapers, or at the hairdressers) about their feelings, the more things will change. I hope so, anyway. I'll continue to speak out in blogs and the hairdressers if you will. I'd like to see a world where if a woman -- even a very young woman -- is truly given a choice, and for whatever reason she truly chooses adoption, then all parties can behave respectfully and without fear.
Here endeth the lesson.
