Slices of Stacy

Last Day at the Office Randomness

I did everything humanly possible to get kicked out early.  I sexually harassed a female co-worker, I've got booze in my filing cabinet, I'm wearing jeans, and I haven't done any real work in two weeks.  It worked.  Today is my last day.

*****

We're going to the Chinese buffet restaurant for lunch.  I haven't been there in almost two years, since the time I threw up in their bushes after lunch.

*****

My boss took me out to lunch yesterday.  Then I left early yesterday without saying goodbye (she's not in today).  I don't do the whole "goodbye" thing.  No hugging, no crying.  I told my co-worker that I was going to pretend to go to the bathroom this afternoon and just walk out.

*****

Still waiting for the feeling of calm reflection to descend over me.

*****

And still waiting.

*****

I got nothin'.  I just want to MOVE ON.

*****

Okay, maybe just a little somethin'.  I'm glad that it was good enough I could stay as long as I did.  I'm glad it was bad enough that my decision was fairly simple.  I'm not glad that I spent eighteen years in corporate America trying to fit in.  I AM glad that I finally have a clue who I am and where I'm going.

Woman, thou art loosed!

Y'all?

I quit my job today.

You know you want a new t-shirt... go ahead... all the cool kids have one...

I should be really freaked out about the prospect of not having a full-time salary in eight weeks.  I'm not.  I'm either very sure of my decision or in serious denial.

In the ongoing process of cutting back expenses, we changed our cell plan from individual plans to a family plan.  Instead of 600 minutes apiece, we now have 500 minutes to share.  However, we get to talk to each other and any other T-Mobile customer for free, so if you have T-Mobile, let me know and I'll call you!  It'll be awesome!  I won't get to call anyone ELSE, mind you. 

During this process I've also started thinking about other ways to raise money.  Combine that with the fact that I couldn't find exactly what I wanted in an 'I'm blogging this' t-shirt and I decided to open my own CafePress Store!  Please don't laugh at it, it's in it's very beginning stages and has delicate feelings.  I'll expand and change it as I go along, customizing with phrases and images as I feel the urge.  I probably won't put pictures of Sweet Pea on anything because if anybody besides DJ or I wore them, it'd be kinda creepy.  I love you, Internet, just not that way.

At some point I'm going to have to start looking for a part-time job.  I'm not looking forward to that.  You know what would be perfect?  Data entry that I could do any time of the day and get paid by the item.  I'm a really fast typist -- like, 80wpm.  It turns out that my Grandma was right -- I WOULD thank her for all those piano lessons someday!  Anyway, I want to either be able to make a lot of money quickly (prostitution? Hmmm....) or get paid to sit at a desk, answer phones, and study.  Either way.  I don't want to be challenged, I don't want to climb any corporate ladder.  Maybe I'll take a bartending course.  I'd be a kickass bartender.

Here's what I DON'T want: 

1)  To have to show up at 8am

2)  To feel guilty if I have to stay home with a sick child

3)  One. More. Goddamn. Annual. Review.

4)  To feel obligated to a corporate entity (SSCM).  I'm done with the SSCM's.

5)  Mean bosses who get where they are by disrespecting the humanity of everyone who reports to them.

Doesn't sound too complicated, does it?

Why can't you just fucking do what I ask you to do?

Me:  Hi, I'd like to order some ________ brochures for a seminar.

Non-helpful Customer Support Lady:  Okay, well, to order those all you have to do is go to the website and enter the ID number...

Me (Interrupting, nicely): See, he doesn't have an ID number because he's not a salesperson.  He's in management.

NHCSL:  Okay, well, he should still have an ID number.  Is he licensed?

Me:  Yes.

NHCSL:  Then he should have an ID number.

Me:  But he doesn't.  I just need 100 brochures, can you take the order?

NHCSL:  That's strange, he should have an ID number.  What's his name?

Me:  Bob Jones.  That's J-O-N-E-S.

NHCSL:  James?

Me:  No, Jones. J-O-N-E-S.

NHCSL:  He doesn't appear to be in the system.  How long has he been with ____?

Me:  Oh, like, 15 years or so?

NHCSL:  That's weird.  He should be in the system.  Let me check again.  You said his names was James?

Me:  No, no, I didn't.  Jones. J-O-N-E-S.

NHCSL:  There he is.  I see that he has an ID and a password.

Me:  Okaaaaaay.... what are they?

NHCSL:  12345, password is his e-mail address.

Me:  (types it in)  It says invalid Login and password and can you please just take the fucking order over the phone the way I've done this ten million times before?

NHCSL:  One moment, please, I'll transfer you to tech support...

Kill me.

Bleah....

Back to work after 10 days off.  I had the best vacation.

I left my child today, left her at daycare.  Again.  Still.  To come here, where they don't give a good Goddamn if I live or die. 

And to top it all off, my only real work friend retired.  I didn't even call her last week to say goodbye -- I couldn't face it.  Well, now she's gone.  Her desk is completely cleared out.  I have no one to talk to, not really.

Oh, God.  I feel the most profound grief.  I know I'll be okay.  But today, just for today... I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and left on the street. 

Way to start off my vacation, asshole!

I don't blog a lot about my day job, because, you know, Dooce.  That being said, however, I must make an exception.

Our department head is an asshole. 

In my 18+ years in corporate America, I've met some real assholes, but this guy takes the ever-lovin' cake.  I've never in my life met someone who spends so much time trying to make other people feel miserable.

Today I got reamed by him because one of my co-workers didn't do her job.  She's on vacation and the person who was supposed to back her up is out watching her father die.  So Bossguy has to wait 24 hours before he can see the reports to make sure his dick production is still the biggest in the country.  Since I don't have the necessary access to run those reports for him, he ranted and raved about having people in the office who couldn't do anything, the need for crosstraining, the audacity of people who actually USE their vacation days.

Need I mention he hadn't shown his face in the office in a week?

So on the way home I called Best Friend and actually pulled the car over, I cried so hard.  The way he talks to me, the way he makes me feel... I feel like a small child who will never, ever be able to measure up. 

I thought I'd come home and get in bed, maybe stay there my entire vacation.

Instead, I came home and played with my daughter.  On the way home from my nephew's birthday party, Sweet Pea and DJ and I sang a nonstop repetition of 'Rudolph' and 'Jingle Bells'.  It was one of the highlights of my whole life.

So fuck off, Bossguy.  You're at your miserable house with your miserable wife, with thousands upon thousands of miserable dollars in the bank and you know what?  None of it makes you a better person.  You have no idea how to treat people with respect and that makes you an asshole.

And I'm not going back there until January 4, so nyah nyah nyah nyaaaah nyah!

You know you need a Xanax when...

Dear co-worker:

GODDAMNIT!!!! Quit leaving three-hole punch paper in the copier!  I'm so sick and fucking tired of printing out reams of work only to discover that it's all on three-hole punch paper.  Just take the shit out when you're done and put regular paper back in.  Do you have any idea how we're deforesting the planet?  Jesus fucking CHRIST!!!  How many times have we told you?  What's your fucking problem?  Are you defiant or just plain STUPID!!!!!!

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

QLMS Time!!!!

Today I received my invitation to my company's annual QLMS survey. I don't think anyone even remembers what QLMS stands for, but the general idea is that they supposedly want to know what you think of the direction the company is headed, as well as your feelings about your immediate supervisor, etc.

These things are bullshit.

First of all, they don't really give a rat's ass what we think. Our company was lauded by Working Mother magazine as being one of the Top 100 Companies to work for and has been for several years. Last year after they got the award, we got a memo from our supervisor reiterating our company's new attendance guidelines. Under these guidelines, if you have 4 unscheduled absences a year, technically they can fire you. No big deal for us, really -- we are a two-parent household and my mother-in-law is retired and can help take care of Sweet Pea if she gets sick. For a single parent household, however... four times a year isn't much. And they can legally fire you. Take your list and shove it, Working Mother magazine.

These tests are administered and theoretically, if a manager gets a bad score, they have all sorts of meetings to help them "improve morale". These meetings are huge time-wasters. You sit around and everyone pretends to be communicating honestly. Nobody dares actually be honest, because that shit can bite you on the ass when it comes time for your annual review. Again, theoretically, the managers won't hold it against you, which... yeah.

Year before last, I responded honestly to the QLMS. After my boss got the results back, he called me into his office and told me that he didn't know what my problem was. His exact words were, "Unfortunately, it's not hard to tell who's writing what on these things (so much for anonymity) and I don't know if you just had a bad day, but when my boss sees them, it's going to impact me severely. If you're that unhappy, you should look at other positions in the company because I'm too old to change."

Nice.

I also learned my lesson. Don't be honest when you answer these things. At the very least, you'll have hour upon hour of meaningless meetings, which you will be expected to participate in cheerfully. They will, however, have no impact on your day-to-day work environment. Nobody changes that quickly.

At the worst, you'll be seen as trying to undermine your boss and take it from me... he will NOT let that shit go easily.

Smile and nod. It's the only way to survive Corporate America, people.