First I wrote this. Then this. Then this and this. Not long after that I disappeared for a while.
Elfini recently called me out (a bit, and very nicely) on writing cryptic messages and then disappearing. She's totally right, of course, but I'd hit that dreaded place that bloggers Can't Blog About: a hot, holy mess in my marriage.
*****
"See, I'm not sure I'd end up casting Troy and Gabriella. Look at all the effort Ryan and Sharpay put into their callback with the costumes and choreography."
"The least talented people could prepare for months and still not be good enough. I think you have to take that out of the equation."
"So effort doesn't count?"
"It's not that. I just don't think you can give it as much weight as stage presence and talent."
*****
I'm standing by my burned-down house analogy. It felt like a bomb went off in my life. I read a book that described the physiological effects of this as being similar to shock, and it was. The first few days I felt completely adrift. That was the first week of school, my first week of Ed classes. I forced myself to dress appropriately, to blow dry my hair and put on makeup. I allowed myself one day, the day with no classes, to sleep all day, receding into my bed like it was a shell. Then I forced myself to keep moving, not quite sure what I was moving toward. Was this it? Did we sell the house, divide up the CD's?
Ultimately there were two things that kept me here, one coming from my head and one coming from my heart. Intellectually, I knew that I could keep myself afloat financially (just me) and stay in school if I had to. I could live in someone's basement and finish school if necessary. As for my heart, I didn't want Sweet Pea to have the life I did: seeing Daddy periodically. When I started my Kindergarten internship, there were several students with divorced parents. One day the teacher needed to get some information to a particular little girl's Dad. She asked the girl if she would be seeing her Dad that night and the girl stammered, "Umm, no. Maybe. I think so. Yes, I think so, unless he's working..." and it was like an arrow straight into my heart. This child didn't know when she was going to see her own father again. Was I willing to visit that on Sweet Pea? Didn't I owe it to her to try EVERYTHING first to make it work? So that if we did part ways, I could eventually look her straight in the eyes and tell her we tried really hard?
In the meantime, DJ was saying, "I'll do anything to make us a family again. I love you so much. I'm sorry. I did something so stupid. Please, Stacy, please, I just want my family together."
He moved into the guest room.
*****
"Besides, Sharpay seems really hard to work with. That diva crap does nothing for me."
"Yeah, but they're experienced. They know how to learn their stuff and get a show together."
"I'm not sure that experience is more important than attitude. I think the opposite might be true."
"They would actually make great character actors, then Troy and Gabriella could do the ingenue stuff. I wish we knew more about the show. Sharpay and Ryan are too talented to waste as understudies."
"You're absolutely right about that. Are there ANY good supporting roles at all?"
"And what about Gabriella's stage fright? You're going to hang the lead role on her? Could be a huge mistake."
*****
So back we went into therapy and I started to figure out what my part in all this was. I talked to Lisa, Beth gave me her phone # (which I never used because, frankly, picking up the phone to call someone for the first time scares the hell out of me), Surfsister sent a concerned e-mail. Poor Statue and the rest of my TDKOL friends held my cyber-hands. My real-time friends got their ears filled. I realized that this had been a long, slow slide. At some point I stopped holding DJ accountable for his actions. Afraid that he wouldn't choose me over performing, I stopped telling him what I needed, expecting him to read my mind. I started to hold on to hurts, large and small, resenting him more and more. As the resentment built up, I communicated less and less. He had no idea how I really felt and kept engaging in the behaviors that were hurting me, hurting us. It started years ago. I realized that it was a testament to how strong our marriage was that something that would have broken most couples long ago took this long to hurt us.
*****
"Of course, you've got to remember this isn't professional theater, it's not even community theater. It's high school. As the drama director, don't you want as many kids involved as possible? Getting Troy and Gabriella as the leads is going to draw a lot of attention to your program. The more attention you have, the more resources you end up with from parents and administration. Therefore, the best thing for the program as a whole would be for Troy and Gabriella to be the leads."
"So what about Ryan and Sharpay? They don't get role they might deserve because it's a popularity contest? You're a communist, you do realize that."
"Oh, come on. It's one show and it might do Ryan and Sharpay some good to have to sit one out. If they pick up and go to New York they're not going to get cast any time they want, they may as well learn how to deal with rejection now."
"That's such flimsy reasoning. You're doing it for their own good? Give me a break. You have to cast based on what's right for THIS show, RIGHT NOW."
"I disagree. Sometimes you have to look at the program as a whole."
*****
We re-learned how to communicate lovingly. We started to smile and laugh again. We made love. We fought sometimes and DJ learned that he can withstand my anger. Being angry with each other doesn't mean the loving stops. The opposite of love isn't anger, it's indifference. We have never, ever been indifferent toward each other.
I learned to speak up again. I learned how to lovingly hold him accountable for his actions. He learned how to listen to me, to find out what I was really saying, before assuming anything.
I learned that forgiveness isn't one action: it's a series of small steps, some backward but most of them forward. It's acting as if and hoping for the best. It's acknowledging that we WILL hurt each other again, in small ways, and every molehill isn't necessarily a mountain.
He moved back into the bedroom.
*****
"Okay, what about Troy and Sharpay as the leads? That way you get the jocks plus you get rid of the brother-sister squick factor."
"That might work. Maybe he could tone down her diva stuff. Plus, with Ryan's knowledge of the theater, you could use him as Assistant Director, get him out from underneath Sharpay's shadow a bit."
"What about Gabriella?"
"Smaller part, something that showcases her sweetness. Let her get over her stage fright before you saddle her with the lead."
"Done."
*****
When I was first married, almost 11 years ago, I visualized our marriage as a fortress for the two of us, protecting us from the elements of the outside world. Now I visualize it as a small fire between the two of us, something that must be carefully and lovingly tended. I've seen how fragile and how strong it can be. I've seen the limits to which it can be stretched and have no interest in returning to those places.
I learned something else, too: there is still no one else to whom I'd rather be married. DJ loves me, with all of my faults. I love him, with all of his flaws. We are a family.
Besides... who else could I spent three days arguing with about the casting of the fictional show in the movie 'High School Musical'? Who else could I possibly be married to?
