Slices of Stacy

Conversations with Pete / Other Randomness

"So I'm totally done with school until August 1."

"What are you going to do 'til then?"

"Jack shit."

"Gonna just lay on the couch and shoot up for four months?"

"Pretty much."

"That's what I'd do."

*****

"I just had to install comment verification on my blog because of the spam.  What put it over the edge was the one about albino porn.  Because while this world needs love, sweet love, it does NOT need albino porn."

"Hey, now, say you're a lonely--"

"You know what?  There's no defensible position."

"Just listen--"

"No defensible position."

"You're a lonely albino... what are you supposed to do?"

:::crickets chirp:::

"You're right.  Who ever heard of a lonely albino? That's crazy talk."

*****

Y'all, I totally know why the media is giving Obama so much shit about Reverend Wright.  It's because THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE ON HIM.  He hasn't cheated on his wife or his taxes, hasn't been caught in a lie about being shot at in Bosnia.  His worst crime, as near as I can tell, is being an inexperienced politician who has an asshole of a church leader.  Imagine that the klieg lights were just turned on your life:  how many of your friends and neighbors would embarrass you in public?

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I have a friend who, while she really likes Obama, is afraid to get too emotionally invested in him as a candidate in case Clinton wins and my friend, as a loyal, card-carrying Democrat, has to support her.  I totally get that.

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I got all A's this semester.  And did I mention I passed the GACE?  I passed the GACE on the first try.

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We have a new family member.  Sweet Pea got a kitten.  I keep trying to take pictures of her to introduce her to the Internet but I forgot that KITTENS NEVER STOP MOVING.

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I have discovered the best pizza ever.  Now I usually go along with the pizza/sex analogy:  no such thing as a 'bad' one.  However, I have now had the pizza that puts all the others to shame.  I may not ever be able to enjoy the pizza buffet again.  Click here and scroll down until you see 'Specialty Pizzas.'  Today I had the Potato Pizza.  I've also had the Greasy Italian.  I can't wait to try the Road Runner.  For Mother's Day I had the choice to go ANYWHERE for lunch.  I chose Partners Pizza.  Am obsessed.

Rookie

So I gave three spelling tests yesterday.  The fifth grade classes rotate so I got to repeat my prattle until it was perfected.

Anyway.

I gave the spelling tests.  Noticed that most of them were actually pretty good.  Then I realized that when I was holding the paperback teacher's edition and looking at the list of spelling words, I had actually wrapped the book around itself, revealing another set of the exact same words to the entire class. 

Rookie.

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Sweet Pea has taken to "doing my hair" which generally involves her combing it for hours and putting her elastic doodads in it, then yanking them out and starting all over.  Today she combed it all out and said, "Now isn't that pretty?  You should go look in the mirror and say, Do I look pretty today? Yes, yes I do."

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She's using the purple comb instead of the black comb because it's "more delightful."

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Conversations I swore I would never have:

While she was sitting on my lap earlier, I absentmindedly brushed her long bangs back.  She immediately yanked herself away and said, "Stop it! What are you doing?"  Channeling every mother and grandmother in history, I replied, "I'm trying to get your hair out of your face."  Channeling every daughter who has ever lived, she answered, "Well, stop.  I LIKE my hair in my face.  It's MY HAIR."

Sweet Pea Randomness

She forged my signature for the first time.  She has a small book about pumpkins that she was supposed to have read to us and had us sign.  She apparently forgot and, rather than miss out on her Skittle, decided to take matters into her own hand, so to speak.

Sadly, she got caught because instead of actually signing my name, she wrote 'Mommy.'

*****

She got her first report card.  We looked over her grades and she noticed that amidst all the E's ('Excellent') there were two S's ('Satisfactory').  Shocked, she demanded to know what it meant. 

"It means you're right where you're supposed to be, honey."

"But all the rest are E's.  I'm supposed to have an 'E'!  I'm going to have a talk with Mrs. S about this."

"Okay, babe.  You go right ahead."

*****

We stopped at a gas station for Red Bull (mine) and water (hers).  I handed it to her.  She took it, then threw herself backwards against the cooler, gasping, "Last. Water. In. The. Universe."

I blame her father.

*****

We were driving down to visit her friend Parker.  I said, "Is this the road where we turn left?  I'm not sure.  I think I'd remember that name, maybe it's the next one."

"No, it's this one, Mommy.  I'm pretty sure."

"Let's just go down one more.  Wait!  There it is!  This is the one!"

"I stand corrected."

Heat Wave Randomness

The high yesterday was 101 degrees here in lovely south metro Atlanta.  Today it is expected to hit 103 or higher, which means a heat index of 105-110.  I'm barricaded in the house with all the blinds closed.  I'll have to walk outside to walk to the bus stop to pick up Sweet Pea, which will be approximately as pleasant as a bikini wax.  She will probably want to go to my mother-in-law's house to go swimming, where the water will be warmer than bath water. 

*****

The afternoon sun shines directly into my living room, so while it's still fairly cool downstairs right now, after about 5pm it will be unbearable.  We sit quietly watching Hannah Montana or The Suite Life of Zack & Cody while the sweat drips down our bodies.

*****

Earlier this summer we made what might have been the smartest purchase of our lives:  a window A/C unit.  We put it in the guest room (which is the only upstairs room with a window that faces the back of the house) and close the door to Sweet Pea's room and the hallway bathroom.  Sweet Pea and I sleep in the guest room.  DJ, alone in the king-size master bed with a floor fan and a ceiling fan, gets some of the cool air from the window unit.  One of these years we are going to have to replace both of the central A/C units, which are the original ones that were put in when the house was built in 1983.  They do the best they can, but nothing can really combat this heat.

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I still have no working A/C in my car.  It just needs freon, but that $75 can be put to much better uses these days, so I'm trying to wait. 

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We're eating store-brand macaroni and cheese.  I can't stand this.  I'm so frustrated.  Sometimes the hardest action is inaction, when there is absolutely nothing you can do to control a situation. 

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The temperature has gone up since I started typing this.  Send ice.  It's 11am and the heat index is 96 degrees.

Friday Randomness

I'm sitting in the living room, using my laptop.  'High School Musical' is on just one of its many loops -- I can't believe Disney didn't install a 'continuous play' button on the DVD.  I have a ton of studying to do, so I invited Sweet Pea's best pal over to spend the day.  She (the Divine Miss P) is painting her toenails while Sweet Pea plays with her baby doll.  Sweet Pea and the Divine Miss P have an interesting dynamic: Miss P is one of the few kids who won't let Sweet Pea boss her around, so even on a playdate they end up spending a fair amount of time each doing their own thing.  Like planets whose orbit cross, inhabit and ultimately clash before separating for a while, or something like that.

*****

You'll notice that I didn't even comment on the whole Scooter Libby thing.  What's the point?  Our current dictatorship administration is disgusting and my ranting won't do a thing to change it.

*****

There were no lasting injuries from the Great Fireworks Extravaganza of 2007.  We are SO lucky. 

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And because 'Uncle Stevie' still says it better than I ever could, read this farewell salute to Harry Potter, boy wizard and hero of the books who got an entire generation of kids reading again.

Randomly Selected Assholes

This is what I thought my professor said last night, when he actually said 'randomly selected households.'  I took this as proof that it was time to go home.

*****

This is Sweet Pea and I at Stone Mountain:

Please note the purple hair.  It's been an interesting experiment.  As a general rule, African-Americans seem to really like it and don't hesitate to tell me so.  Caucasians stare and give me a wide berth, in case whatever I have is catching.

I've loved having purple hair and I could see myself doing this every summer, except that it's really high maintenance.  I've had to bleach my roots twice and I have to reapply the color at least once a week.  Naturally, as soon as I dyed it, Sally Beauty Supply discontinued my brand, so I've spent a good deal of my free time driving to Sally stores on the south side of Atlanta to pick up their last remaining tubes.  If you happen to be driving past a Sally Beauty Supply, stop and grab a few for me, okay?  It's the N'Rage N'Tense Purple.  Just the tubes that are on clearance for $3.99.  Of course, I'll be dyeing it brown again about the second week in August, so hurry up, Internet.  I don't have all summer.

*****

We're going out of town this weekend, on the only kind of vacation that a single-income family can go on: two nights, cheap hotels, etc.  Blue Ridge one night and Chattanooga the next.  I have this very white-trash obsession with birdhouses from Rock City, so we're going there on Sunday.  DJ wants really good fireworks.  We're simple folk.

*****

Sweet Pea is spending her first night at a friend's house tonight.  She's spent the night at my mother-in-law's and a couple of times at Elaine's, but they're family.  This is the first time she's been at a friend's.  Of course, it's my friend Melanie, so it may as well be family.  I thought it was really cute that Melanie called to see if Sweet Pea was allowed to watch 'Night at the Museum.'  Little does she know that on Friday nights I usually duct tape a bottle of tequila to Sweet Pea's mouth and go play poker at the local prison.

*****

I got (a) 100% on my first Geometry test this semester.  Nice way to start.

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GERONIMO!!!!!

Sweet Pea Randomness

"Mommy, will you play with me?"

"Sure."

"Okay, I'll be this girl and you be this girl.  I'm the Mom and you're the daughter, okay?  And you're in your dance outfit so you're going to dance class.  Now ask if you are going to the pink room, the blue room or the black room."

"Am I going to--"

"No, Mommy, not NOW.  Now you be quiet and wait, okay?  Because it's my turn.  (Doll's voice: Hi!  Welcome to the dance place!)"

Silence.

"Mommy, TALK!"

"I'm sorry, you told me to be quiet and wait."

"That was before and this is now.  So ask me which room you're going in, okay?  Then go to that room and then you're going to have your dance lesson and I'm going to pick you up.  But you will be naughty and get a time-out from your teacher so I'm going to whip you with a baseball bat."

"Wait a minute --  a baseball bat?  That's not very appropriate."

"This isn't about appropriate, it's about playing together.  That's what we're doing."

*****

At the beach, she starts a sand castle next to my towel.

"We have to build this castle and put in four windows.  But then we have to cover the windows up because it's a castle for goblins.  I need to scoop the sand from under your towel and now this is a door for the goblins.  We have to be careful, though, because goblins are tricky creatures.  I know about goblins."

*****

I call her into the room during a replay of MTV's Music Awards.  We watch for a few minutes, then she runs into the kitchen and comes back with an incredulous look on her face.

"Mommy, I went to tell Daddy that Amy Winehouse is on the MTV Movie Awards and guess what?  Daddy doesn't know who Amy Winehouse is!  What is up with that?"

She then dances around the room, singing 'Rehab.' 

*****

She comes downstairs, holding the ceramic vase of full-blown pink silk roses from her room.

"Mommy, can I take this to exstindy care (extended care) next week?  Because I'm having a flower contest."

Her face is so earnest, I pause to think.

"Sweetie, maybe you should tell the kids about the contest on Tuesday and then everybody can bring their flowers on Thursday."

"No, Mommy, I will be very careful.  I will put the flowers away because I don't want the other kids to touch it because it's so special."

"Okay, babe."

A Return to Randomness

OKAY.  I'M BACK.  NOW MY CANADA CONTINGENT CAN QUIT BADGERING ME. (Okay, my Canada contingent is Jen.)  (Still.)  (The woman can badger like you cannot believe.)

*****

Seriously, I have other websites.  I have a school blog (which was only for one class and I think I'll be deleting it soon), a Googlepages page that is for family and close friends, and a Facebook page.  You can have my Facebook address, if you want.  I mean, the people I know.  You guys can have it.  That guy who keeps sending me pictures of his feet?  He can't have my Facebook address, because it has my whole name on it.

*****

This "I'm going to be a teacher" thing can be tricky.  Because y'all like it when I curse like a sailor but you don't want to think about your child's teacher talking about sex toys, right?  There you go.  So I'm trying not to have my last name associated with this blog so that future employers, if they Google me (and doesn't everyone these days?) won't find this blog. 

*****

Speaking of sex toys... there are several places in greater Atlanta where you can comfortably buy sex toys.  Yeah, I know, I get the Adam & Eve catalog but I'm all about the immediate gratification.  This led to the following conversation with my friend Jane:

Stacy:  I keep having to walk past the drug deals when I go to Inserection so I'm going to Poster Hut.

Jane:  I've never been to the Poster Hut.

Stacy:  I like it more than the others because you can also buy scented candles.

Jane:  Right, it adds an air of legitimacy.

Stacy:  Precisely.  I'll take some Sandalwood incense, a couple of birthday cards... and this cock ring.

Jane:  Wouldn't it be great if they also sold gum and a gallon of milk?

Stacy:  I'd never go to Publix again.

*****

Apparently my daughter is the Whore of Babylon.  There have been three incidents involving nudity and/or kissing on the Pre-K playground, all with the same boy.  Fortunately it's the same one that she insists she's marrying.  Still.  I've had multiple conversations with the boy's Mom and we're in agreement that the teachers are making WAY too big an issue out of this, that it's fairly innocent but needs to be stopped.  We're trying not to give them any kind of sexual hang-ups, but SERIOUSLY, Sweet Pea, KEEP YOUR PANTS ZIPPED.

*****

So I ended the semester with three A's and a B+.  To celebrate, I dyed my hair purple.  Because I'm 38 years old, have a mortgage and a 3.83 GPA.  I can do whatever the hell I please. 

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Of course, I'm taking Geometry and Statistics (AGAIN, WTF) this summer, so my GPA may drop faster than Lindsay Lohan's panties.

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New Shrink had a field day with the purple hair.  I finally told him that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and not to worry too much about it.

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I'll also be spending my summer at the local man-made beach with Sweet Pea.  We will swim and laugh and I cannot wait. 

Michigan Randomness

Every time I go back to Michigan, it feels like I'm coming home.  Small wonder, since I spent the first 22 years of my life there.  Especially when I'm near my Mom's house, east of Saginaw.  The roads are completely straight, since the land is still primarily farmland.  Everything is in parcels.  It's not uncommon to drive 10 or 15 miles without a curve or hill.

*****

The economy in Michigan is horrible.  There are entire towns that I used to drive through that are now just vacant storefronts.  I hope to God that someone can turn it around.

*****

My astrological sign is Cancer, and I've always felt an strong pull toward water.  The lack of water is one of the things I dislike about Georgia.

Being on the shore of Lake Huron with my daughter felt strangely mystical.  I could tell her that these were the beaches I went to as a child.  The cold, hard-packed sand, the chilly wind.  They were all so strangely familiar to me.  The water is so cold.  You almost can't go in until July.

Of course, we didn't go that far to NOT go swimming, so when we got to Tawas Bay, she gave it a shot:

What you may not be able to see from this shot is that she's sitting on her rear end.  As long as we stayed in the water that was shin-deep, it was okay.

The good news about cold hard sand?  It's ideal for sand castles!

Sweet Pea decided we needed a moat.  To keep out the dragons.  So I refrained from pointing out that in dragon lore, they're usually equipped with wings.

Memorial Randomness

Happy 40th Birthday to DJ!!!!!!!  Sweet Pea and I were talking about it and she said, "Daddy's getting old.  We're going to have to get a new Daddy soon."  Heh.

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By the time this post goes up, Sweet Pea and I will be on a plane, beginning our annual pilgrimate to Mittenlandia (tm Sain't) to visit the family.  I will see my nieces and hug them and hold them and breathe them in and I will thank God in His heaven that my brother and sister-in-law got married, and that they are reproducing (again!) these magical little creatures.  How is it that you can watch someone grow up, and he's just your baby brother, whatEVER, and then suddenly he's a Dad and his children are so fabulous?  Hmmm.  Must be sis-in-law.  Heh. 

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In honor of the end of the television season, here's one last television randomness post.

*****

Desperate Housewives

Meh.

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Alias

So... Rambaldi's endgame was immortality?  And Sloane achieved it?  How absolutely poetic that he's now trapped in a cave, smushed from the waist down for all eternity.  Heh.

Lena Olin is a Goddess.   Period, end of story.

*****

Lost

Holy CRAP.  So Desmond crashed the plane but now no one will ever know?  Whoa.  The electromagnetic theory was one that was produced by some serious brainiac fans, so it didn't come as a huge shock.

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The Apprentice

Honestly... Donald Trump is a complete and total fucktard.  Allie and (what was her name?  See?  That's how memorable she was) Whoever went at each other in the boardroom and it's 'disloyal'?  I thought it was supposed to be 'business'!  Honestly.  However, how much do you love Ivanka Trump?  I totally love her.  I want Ivanka and Carolyn to be the new Viceroys. 

You have to give Ivanka props.  I mean, she could totally have been Paris Hilton, but she actually got an education and is working for her Dad.  By the sounds of it, he really makes them work, too.

And although the season isn't over, I'm going to bet on Sean.  Not because he's remarkably better than Lee (although he probably is) but he seems like the kind of guy that always lands on his feet, you know?

American Idol

Sweet Pea and I got into this at the last minute.  Had I realized how much she'd enjoy it, I would have started to Tivo it for her earlier in the season.  She was hoping Katharine McPhee would win, but I was pulling for Taylor.  Frankly, I'm not thrilled with either of them.  But I think it was time another guy won, don't you?

*****

Have a great weekend, Internet.  Cook some food on the grill, chill with friends and family, and have a beer.