I believe that the possibility exists for a primal wound in my daughter. And if it does, as I said in my comment, it is my responsibility as her mother to create a safe place for her to experience it. I learned from my own wound how to grieve losses, how to become stronger for them. I can close my eyes and whistle all I want, but that's not going to fix anything for my child. I have to put my own ego aside in order to be a good parent. Allowing Sweet Pea to feel ALL her feelings about her adoption means that sometimes I'm going to hear things I don't want to hear. Sometimes she may be angry, or hurt, or sad. If I am open to hearing those things, to walking through them with her or standing close by if she needs to walk through them alone, I can only enhance the bond between us. That's what unconditional love is all about.
I wrote that on July 19, 2005. Wasn't I funny? I mean, really... isn't that a laff-fucking-riot?
Big words. Hubris. Because I'm here to tell you that the first bad day, the first time I heard her cry for her brothers, the first time I watched those shoulders heave up and down with grief, I wanted to take it all back.
Last night Sweet Pea asked me to tell her the story of the night she was born. She hears it a couple of times a month. This time was different, though. She turned away from me in bed when I finished. Somehow I knew something wasn't right and I said, "You know that if you ever have questions about your adoption, you can always ask me." In a tiny voice, she said, "I miss my brothers," and then the tears began. Today at school I mentioned the incident to the parapro in her classroom who told me about a picture Sweet Pea had drawn. Something about it was different, she said. I asked Sweet Pea, who told me that it was a picture of her and her brothers.
Tonight, after a family meeting (which we had to have after the girl next door was playing upstairs with Sweet Pea and Neighborgirl asked Sweet Pea IF SHE WANTED TO HAVE SEX AND PROCEEDED TO TAKE DOWN HER PANTS but that's a whole other entry, Internet -- this whole parenting thing? yeah.) I asked her if ther was anything else she wanted to talk about. She began to cry and said she was sad because her brothers lived so far away.
It's so complicated. Adoption is so complicated. Parenting is so complicated. There are so many things to say and I can't even sort out my thoughts. I have to have a talk with Neighborgirl's Mom. I have to put aside my own fears and insecurities in order to be truly present for my daughter.
The most important thing I have to hang on to, right now, is that she can tell us how she feels. She feels safe.
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