Slices of Stacy

Everything You Are About to Read is Completely True

Weekend before last DJ and I went to south Georgia for a wedding.  Not a friend, a complete stranger -- DJ is an Officiant-for-hire.  Anyhoo, two exits south of ours on I75, our car lost one of the bolts to the front passenger side brake assembly.  Grating and screeching ensued, so we pulled off the highway.  DJ got the wheel off and saw the problem.  All he needed, he said, was to get to the nearest auto parts store to pick up a bolt and put it in.  I approached a couple of complete strangers in Burger King and found one who would be willing to drive him to AutoZone for $10.  When he got back, he discovered he'd purchased the wrong thing.  He walked to the Home Depot behind us in the vain hope that he'd be able to find it there.  Nope -- no such luck.  While he was gone, our friend Shane walked in.  DJ had been talking to her husband (since the two of them were the ones who changed the brakes and apparently didn't quite screw the bolt in tight enough) and Ashley and Shane decided to lend us their van so we could get on the road.  Friday rush hour traffic is notoriously bad on that section of 75.  As DJ tried one last thing on the wheel, the jack gave way.  He missed having his hand amputated by centimeters.  The next day, while we were wandering empty lovely downtown Perry, Georgia, Ashley bought the correct bolt and put our brake assembly together in a couple of minutes.  Everything was fine.  THANK YOU, ASHLEY AND SHANE.  Unfortunately, we ruined DJ's perfect attendance record by being an hour late to the rehearsal.

So this weekend the three of us were going to the mountains for another wedding.  In an attempt to avoid last weekend's drama, DJ rented a car.  Sweet Pea and I left school a little early.  The cabin we were heading to was paid for by the bride's family and we were even allowed to bring the dog.  Naturally, the dog wasn't allowed in the rental car so we covered the back seat with an old sheet.  DJ put $40 in the tank, air in the front passenger tire, and in a state of almost manic anticipation, we hit the road.

Guess which part of that last paragraph should have caught your eye?

The on-board computer registered a slow leak in that front passenger tire.  In Gainesville, about an hour before our ultimate destination, DJ decided to pull over at a Meineke to have them take a look at the tire.  We took Rex out of the car and tied him to a tiny tree out front with a bowl of water.  The manager, Nice Ronnie, told us a technician would be back in 5 minutes.  30 minutes later, the technician told us that not only had that tire been patched previously, but the other three tires were in horrible shape.  I don't remember all the details but they recommended immediate replacement or Dire Consequences. 

DJ gave the number for the rental car office to Nice Ronnie, who called them to report the problem.  "Dave", the manager, had to give Nice Ronnie another number to call to get approval. 

An hour later nothing had happened, except that Sweet Pea and I had hit the Dollar General for cold drinks.  Nice Ronnie let us put Rex in the employee bathroom, which was cooler than the three square feet of shade the poor dog had been occupying. 

DJ called the approval manager a phone call.  The voicemail he left for the manager was pretty impressive: he gave the man five minutes to call back, mentioning the "unsafe conditions" that his family had been put in and the "loss of income" that would result if we missed the rehearsal. 

Three minutes later the approval manager called back.

Nice Ronnie quoted the approval manager the price on four new tires.  Ten minutes of bickering ensued as the approval manager tried to purchase the cheapest possible tires.  No resolution.  Fifteen minutes more went by and finally they came to an agreement.  All four tires would be replaced. 

At this point we had spent 2 1/2 hours at Meineke.  In Gainesville.  We were slowly but surely losing all enthusiasm for our weekend in the mountains and severely stressing out.  We knew we were going to be late for the rehearsal if we didn't hurry.  Sweet Pea had examined every magazine, sign and vending machine in the place.

Nice Ronnie took the reins.  He called the local rental car branch and told them we needed a replacement vehicle.  NOW.  They said they would send a car right over.

The FIRST rental car was brought down far enough for us to pull out all of our belongings.  We grabbed everything that belonged to the dog and stashed it in the back room.  We told Nice Ronnie that if the car rental place guys didn't seem to be leaving fast enough, he'd have to distract them long enough for us to sneak Rex out of the employee restroom and get him into the SECOND rental car.  Phone rang.  No, the car rental guy was going to come get us and take us to their office for another car.  Great.  Now what about the dog?

Nice Ronnie offered to keep Rex for us while we picked up the other car.  Now we had to load our stuff into the SECOND rental car, ride to the rental office, transfer our things to the THIRD rental car, then drive back to pick up the dog and put him (illegally) into the car.  We were promised that it would only take five minutes to get to the office, five minutes to get the car and five more to get back to Meineke.  It actually took thirty and included Sweet Pea and I getting locked in the back of the second car because of the childproof locks.

While at the rental car office, I managed to get the bride on the phone.  I told her of our dilemma.  She was quite calm and collected.  I would later discover that this was par for the course for her.

We did finally get the new car (and don't think we're going to be paying for the SUV upgrade), get the dog in the car and make it to the rehearsal, an hour late.

And that was just the ride up there.  Wait'll I tell you about the taxidermy store.  And the actual wedding.

Naturally, of course, we had a flat tire on the way home. 

Ten Things (good and bad) About Our Trip to Michigan

10.  Jasmine rice.  Where has it been all my life?

9.  Succumbing to the allure of the Crocs.  I KNOW, I KNOW.  They're ugly as sin.  But the floors of schools are vinyl on concrete and if those ugly shoes will keep my heels and knees from crippling pain at the end of the day, color me Croc-ed.

8.  My first yellow jacket sting.  OUCH!  DAMNIT!

7.  AirTran changing their policy so that we can each only check one suitcase for free.  Additional suitcases were $25 apiece.  I can't really blame them: they're suffering from the gas and economic crises as much as we are.

6.  Watching Sweet Pea play in the front yard, sitting on a bench, singing to Mom's boxer.  The dog drooled slavishly, gazing at Sweet Pea with complete devotion as Sweet Pea serenaded her with songs from High School Musical 2.

5.  The moment when my Mom and my daughter see each other in an airport after a long separation.  It's magic.

4.  My brother and sister-in-law.  Every time I see my brother walk into his house, it's a shock.  Somehow I keep expecting a 12-year-old boy and this grown man shows up.  I actually got to spend a few minutes with sis-in-law alone.  I wish we lived closer.  They're awesome.

3.  This commercial windmill farm.    It's gorgeous.  And clean.  And quiet.  Next time I'm up there I may get up before dawn to photograph the sun rising behind them.

2.  Blue moon ice cream.  You have to be from Michigan, particularly the Saginaw Valley, to understand this.  And anyone who adds pineapple or pop rocks is a poser.

1.  My nieces.  My three beautiful, wonderful, smart, kissable, huggable dumplings of love.  I miss them so much my heart hurts.  'Fabulous' is going into 2nd grade.  She writes songs and keeps a journal.  She is sensitive and loving.  'Captivating' is a blue-eyed whirlwind of sound and movement.  The child never stops talking.  Sound like anyone we know?  Nah, me neither.  The youngest, 'Joyful', is just happy to be here.  She loves shoes and lasagna and having me hold her.  I didn't argue.  I adore each of them.

Michigan Randomness

Every time I go back to Michigan, it feels like I'm coming home.  Small wonder, since I spent the first 22 years of my life there.  Especially when I'm near my Mom's house, east of Saginaw.  The roads are completely straight, since the land is still primarily farmland.  Everything is in parcels.  It's not uncommon to drive 10 or 15 miles without a curve or hill.

*****

The economy in Michigan is horrible.  There are entire towns that I used to drive through that are now just vacant storefronts.  I hope to God that someone can turn it around.

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My astrological sign is Cancer, and I've always felt an strong pull toward water.  The lack of water is one of the things I dislike about Georgia.

Being on the shore of Lake Huron with my daughter felt strangely mystical.  I could tell her that these were the beaches I went to as a child.  The cold, hard-packed sand, the chilly wind.  They were all so strangely familiar to me.  The water is so cold.  You almost can't go in until July.

Of course, we didn't go that far to NOT go swimming, so when we got to Tawas Bay, she gave it a shot:

What you may not be able to see from this shot is that she's sitting on her rear end.  As long as we stayed in the water that was shin-deep, it was okay.

The good news about cold hard sand?  It's ideal for sand castles!

Sweet Pea decided we needed a moat.  To keep out the dragons.  So I refrained from pointing out that in dragon lore, they're usually equipped with wings.

Memorial Randomness

Happy 40th Birthday to DJ!!!!!!!  Sweet Pea and I were talking about it and she said, "Daddy's getting old.  We're going to have to get a new Daddy soon."  Heh.

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By the time this post goes up, Sweet Pea and I will be on a plane, beginning our annual pilgrimate to Mittenlandia (tm Sain't) to visit the family.  I will see my nieces and hug them and hold them and breathe them in and I will thank God in His heaven that my brother and sister-in-law got married, and that they are reproducing (again!) these magical little creatures.  How is it that you can watch someone grow up, and he's just your baby brother, whatEVER, and then suddenly he's a Dad and his children are so fabulous?  Hmmm.  Must be sis-in-law.  Heh. 

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In honor of the end of the television season, here's one last television randomness post.

*****

Desperate Housewives

Meh.

*****

Alias

So... Rambaldi's endgame was immortality?  And Sloane achieved it?  How absolutely poetic that he's now trapped in a cave, smushed from the waist down for all eternity.  Heh.

Lena Olin is a Goddess.   Period, end of story.

*****

Lost

Holy CRAP.  So Desmond crashed the plane but now no one will ever know?  Whoa.  The electromagnetic theory was one that was produced by some serious brainiac fans, so it didn't come as a huge shock.

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The Apprentice

Honestly... Donald Trump is a complete and total fucktard.  Allie and (what was her name?  See?  That's how memorable she was) Whoever went at each other in the boardroom and it's 'disloyal'?  I thought it was supposed to be 'business'!  Honestly.  However, how much do you love Ivanka Trump?  I totally love her.  I want Ivanka and Carolyn to be the new Viceroys. 

You have to give Ivanka props.  I mean, she could totally have been Paris Hilton, but she actually got an education and is working for her Dad.  By the sounds of it, he really makes them work, too.

And although the season isn't over, I'm going to bet on Sean.  Not because he's remarkably better than Lee (although he probably is) but he seems like the kind of guy that always lands on his feet, you know?

American Idol

Sweet Pea and I got into this at the last minute.  Had I realized how much she'd enjoy it, I would have started to Tivo it for her earlier in the season.  She was hoping Katharine McPhee would win, but I was pulling for Taylor.  Frankly, I'm not thrilled with either of them.  But I think it was time another guy won, don't you?

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Have a great weekend, Internet.  Cook some food on the grill, chill with friends and family, and have a beer.

Entirely Inappropriate

This is where we went this weekend:

This is what we did:

If we got tipsy Friday night, we got downright shitfaced on Saturday night.  If you ask Lauren or Leigh, they will tell you that I fell off a red leather La-Z-Boy but that's not exactly true, Internet.  I mean, yes, I fell off the chair but it was less a reflection of my state of inebriation than the fact that I tuck my right leg under me when I sit down which nudges the cushion out and it overbalanced and the CUSHION fell, taking me with it.  Had nothing to do with the second pitcher of Steve-a-ritas.

This was the view from the upper level at the back of the wraparound porch:

This was the view from the lower level of the back of the porch:

As it turns out, the stupid shit we did when we were drunk teenagers is basically the same stupid shit we do now when we're drunk.  We drunk-dial people.  On Friday night there MAY have been some messages on voicemails regarding strap-ons.  Be glad, Internet, that there was no connection to you because that comment about putting money in someone's snatch might have ended up here. 

I did have the opportunity to show off my savant-like skill at remembering the closest liquor store, when we had to get MORE TEQUILA Saturday afternoon.  Impressive, it is.  Bow before me, Internet.

There was shopping, too: 

(Lauren is shy about being on the Internet)

Andie is not shy about having her picture taken with goofy hats on her head.

I will keep this photo to show Sweet Pea what will happen if she doesn't get some higher education.

All in all, good times. 

Maybe Leigh will leave the directions for Steve-a-ritas in the Comments section.  You make and drink a couple of pitchers and see if you don't fall off the La-Z-Boy.

It's now Monday night and I'm still mildly hung over.  I blame my age.  The tequila that took 4-6 hours to clear my system at 18 now takes 4-6 days at 37.  I didn't start throwing up until this morning and for the last two days I have felt like crawling out of my skin.  My skin, it is vibrating and my stomach is heaving and my brain is saying, "Ha HA, motherfuckers!  The alcohol is already up here destroying much-need brain ce... hey look! Something shiny!"

In which the author makes an ass of herself at the happiest goddamn place on earth

So after a long day of heat, rain, and standing in lines, we're a little punch drunk.  And we see a woman in a motorized scooter thing drive right off the curb, falling over into the street.  You laugh, right?  Sure you do.  A woman comes up behind me, waiting in line to see Pinocchio and Gepetto.  She and her husband are saying, "I'm glad I don't know her" and I don't understand the sarcasm and I say to her, "Wow!  How loaded do you have to be to drive right off the clearly marked curb?"  And the woman says, "Want to hear something funny?  That's MY MOTHER."  So I followed that up with the only thing I could, which was, "Is she loaded?"

She repeatedly told me not to be embarrassed, that this was the third time her mother had driven the scooter off the curb and they'd been laughing at her all day.

Still. 

Road Trip - the emotional

The trip was good.  I forget sometimes how easy it is to be with H and the boys.  I have all this buildup and it's just... easy.  Good.

We have something other parents don't always have:  a peek into our daughter's future personality.  Sweet Pea has three brothers, *C*, *D* and *B*.  She and D are full biological siblings and they have the same brown eyes, the same laugh, and the same prickly personality.  Sweet Pea didn't immediately take to anybody in her birthfamily -- but she doen't immediately take to anyone.  She isn't shy, exactly, she's... cautious.  In fact, the oldest boy, C, was disappointed she wouldn't let him hug her.  I had to explain that that's just the way she is. 

The second day was full of swimming and fun.  A couple of times I encouraged Sweet Pea to hang out with H a little bit -- when Sweet Pea wanted to jump in the deep end, I told her to jump to H.  I'm not quite tall enough to catch her without going under myself in five feet of water.  So she jumped to H a few times and later hung out with the baby, B, on his floatie.  I could tell H was happy -- just getting to touch Sweet Pea.  However, as soon as Sweet Pea figured out that H was holding her, she was done and away.  H was pretty understanding -- her son, D, is the same way, and they inherit a lot of that from her.  I told H she only had herself to blame.  That was a joke, folks.

That night we went to H's house for dinner where we finally snapped a bunch of pictures.  Sweet Pea loves babies -- LOVES them -- and even though B is over a year old, Sweet Pea tried to carry him around several times. 

We got a few action shots of the kids on the bed and tried to get one good group shot.  As they started to get tired, I found myself snuggling all of them except B. 

On the way back to the hotel that night, DJ and I had a conversation about how the visit was going.  I got somewhat emotional.  It's hard -- seeing her like that, knowing that Heather must miss her so desperately.  DJ sees things differently and he blew a couple of shots right across my bow, I'm not going to lie.  I have some soul-searching to do about my motives.

The next day we tried to get all four kids to have their pictures taken at Wal-Mart, but Sweet Pea was having none of it.  They got some smokin' shades, though.  And then the moms got one snap together.

I guess I'm expecting some grand resolution, you know?  I have to remind myself that we're just laying the groundwork here: laying the tracks for the future.  I want Sweet Pea to know her brothers, I want her to know H.  I want H to be accessible for the day that Sweet Pea has questions I can't answer.  I want Sweet Pea to know she wasn't abandoned -- that H loves her, that H found herself in an impossible situation and did the only thing she could think of at the time.  I want Sweet Pea to see the genuine affection between H and us, to see that we value where she came from.

There were moments, Internet, when I wanted to grab her and hold her and shout "MINE MINE MINE!"  But I didn't need to.  It's growing more obvious every year: we are Sweet Pea's parents.  She likes her brothers, and seems to like H -- but nobody can replace her Daddy and Mommy.  We've earned the titles, and we're going to enjoy them.

Road Trip - the physical

So last Friday I awoke at four a.m. with a significant physical issue.  I haven't mentioned it here because I actually do have a few male readers and really... it's just Too Much Information.  However, on Friday morning it was significant enough that I made a few phone calls and considered going to the emergency room.  In the time-honored tradition of women everywhere, however, I sucked it up and we went to Tallahassee anyway.

Why is it that when you plan to leave for a road trip, you always end up leaving four hours later than you think you will?  What cosmic forces conspire against us in these situations?  In our case, it was Alamo (DIE, ALAMO!) who threw a monkey wrench into our car rental plans.  We ended up at Enterprise, but were going to be stuck with a Chevy Cobalt.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... but my husband is tall and my daughter's legs are looooong and we like our space.  Fortunately, while DJ ran home to pick up a few things, someone else rented out the Cobalt so the guy was forced to give us a larger vehicle at the same price.  We ended up with a Dodge Dakota, which I figured was appropriate, since we were going to be travelling through south Georgia and north Florida.  And really, northern Florida is just like south Georgia with a few palm trees.

We finally hit the road at 1:30.  Since Sweet Pea had been awake since the emergency-room-visit-that-wasn't, she was asleep before we were even on the highway.  Naturally, we immediately hit bumper-to-bumper traffic.

The long lines at gas stations that I feared never materialized, but we paid through the nose for our gas.  The Dakota actually got pretty decent gas mileage.  Occasionally we would find a gas station with low prices and all the pumps covered, eerily dark, a reminder of what was going on in Louisiana.

We stopped for lunch in Vienna, Georgia.  We decided to go to the 'Vienna Cafe', since it would be so much more interesting to talk about later than just McDonald's or something.  However, when we drove past it I discovered that the windows were tinted entirely black.  I refuse to eat anywhere if I can't see inside, so we went to Popeye's.  Where the air conditioning was broken and it took 45 minutes to get our lunch.  Hi, welcome to Hell -- can I get you something to drink?

Vienna is also the proud home to this little establishment, and really... need I say more?  I was also reminded what a huge heart my daughter has. 

Yes, south Georgia is full of interesting sights.  It's also famous for its pecans, peanuts and peaches, so naturally we had to stop for that.  My mother-in-law had requested a jar of 'mayhaw jelly', which I understand is made from the mayhaw plum.  The mayhaw plum is supposedly only found in Colquitt, Georgia, from whence my husband's family sprang.  And they have gummy crocodiles, so, y'know... it's all good.

So we finally got to Tallahassee and saw this.  Yes, practically across the street from our hotel, a PRISON.  Welcome home, bitch.

My Trip to Michigan

So I went to Michigan last weekend to visit my Mom. Sweet Pea and my mother-in-law went with me. Yes, I travelled with my mother-in-law and lived to tell the tale. We actually had a really good time.

My Mom lives in a teeny tiny town near Frankenmuth, Michigan. Frankenmuth was originally settled by Germans and has adopted strict building codes, etc, to keep its "Bavarian" feel. It's really beautiful -- clean, well-landscaped, etc. Frankenmuth is home to Bronner's the World's Largest CHRISTmas Store (caps intentional). My mother-in-law is a Christmas nut. We spent two hours there and maybe saw 2/3 of the store.

Frankenmuth also serves good dark beer.

We also went to the Birch Run Prime Outlets. I'm an outlet whore, I admit it. I got two pieces of Samsonite luggage for $150 and some Osh Kosh overalls for Sweet Pea for $15. When we got home, Sweet Pea promptly spilled strawberry Fruitopia all over them and we forgot to put stain stick on them. Oh well. Maybe I'll get some fabric paint and try to make it look intentional.

We go to my Mom's about the same time every year -- the first or second weekend in October, for her birthday. We manage to get there the same weekend as the Tuscola County Pumpkin Festival. Lisa, of The Lisa Life blog, has detailed the fact that Michigan has festivals every damn weekend. They're crazy about 'em. So the Pumpkin Festival is a big deal in them thar parts... craft fair, a contest for decorated pumpkins (my favorite this year -- a small pumpkin painted light blue atop some metal poles, with the town name painted on the side of the pumpkin... it was a water tower) and fair foods. Also this year they had several variations on your basic Moonwalk for the little kids. Sweet Pea insisted that she wanted to go on one. We stood in line for 10 minutes, took off her shoes, and when it was finally her turn, she backed out, screaming like I had just held her hand to a hot burner. Everyone looked at me like I was the Worst. Mother. Ever. Rotten kid.

Actually, Sweet Pea is a great traveller. This weekend was Sweet Pea's 22nd and 23rd flights, respectively. She hands her ticket to the gate agent and marches down the jetway like she owns the place. The key is to a) let her have a passy (pacifier) to suck on to keep her ears clear, and b) get some small, cheap toy she hasn't seen before to entertain her. We now have several such toys, so if you're travelling with a toddler anytime soon, let me know. I can send you a Hello! Kitty stencil kit that will keep a 2 1/2 year old occupied for at least an hour. Kid tested, Mom approved.